1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
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Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
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Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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