Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
