He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is officially offended.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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