if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
