you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
