I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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We tried having a conversation with our noses.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
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Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize