i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
