His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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