The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
