How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
