Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
