stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
