new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
