2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
