When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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