it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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