I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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