Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
