Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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