No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
