so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
