Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
