I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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