is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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