I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
