god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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