It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
