Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
