Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Pants 0. Shit 1.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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