i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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