Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
