You smell like stripper and shame
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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