god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
