I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
