This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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