The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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