trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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