The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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