we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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