Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
