while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
