He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
this hospital has no fireball
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
