I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
