I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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