He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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