In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
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I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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