I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
