whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
