I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
