I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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