new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.