i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
