remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
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I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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