I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
