Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
