does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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