i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Let's get the cat blown out
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
