Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
