you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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