so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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