I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
