OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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