I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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